A Serious Note

Is there ever such a thing as too serious?? Well, I may just cross that line this time. When I blog I usually just update what Rene and I are up to. I don't go into specifics about ourselves or into deep thoughts. I guess it's because I'm a pretty private person and there are certain areas in my life I just don't share... sometimes out of shame. But, I've been thinking for a while about changing this. Every once in a while I sit down at the computer and type out this big blog with what's going on in my head/heart and then I delete it. Why you may ask? I have no idea... I guess I worry about other's knowing my personal thoughts and feelings. Now, before I go into the depths of my soul here's some great news on Rene and his job.

Back in June Rene started his final stage of training as an Air Traffic Controller. Without going into the specifics I'll just say this, there are 2 stages of his training and he completed his first stage back in November. Since then he's been working in that particular area alone. Now he's into the 2nd and last stage which is the most difficult. He most likely wont be done with this part til next April or May, which I don't think are coming soon enough for him. LOL Oh, and the other week his supervisor gave him his yearly evaluation and with that he gave Rene a bonus!! Yay Rene!! His sup' told him that normally trainees don't get these bonus' but because of his spectacular work, he was the exception. :) I'm so proud of him and all of his hard work!!

That's Rene right now... work, work and more work. When he's not working he hangs out with me and relaxes on the computer :) I on the other hand still have yet to find a job. I don't know what is going on. Back home in the great state of Alaska I never had problems finding work but here... it's a whole new story. When we first got here a little over a year ago I had the hardest time finding work. I eventually took a job as a nanny and then got a job through a temp agency. I have now been out of work 2.5 months and the only prospect I had was going to Korea to teach English! Rene and I have talked about what type of job I should look for since I reached the desperate stage and we've decided that I will continue to hold out for a good job, something that doesn't include minimum wage, fast food and retail. I know there's something out there I just have yet to find it.

Anyways, this isn't really what I had in mind when I spoke of serious... or shame. As some of you may have noticed I have changed the background of our blog again. I tend to do this for all the holidays that arise. You may be thinking, what holiday is coming up?? To answer that very silly question, it's our 4 Year Anniversary!!! Can you believe it? I know we can't! These past 4 years have really flown by. Rene and I have enjoyed a lot of laughs, adventures, and of course... tears. (as Rene would tell you, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't cry at least once - no joke!) So although I am so happy and grateful for these 4 years together they also bring tears... tears of joy and tears of sadness. The tears of joy should be pretty self explanatory but tears of sadness... why you may be wondering? Who could ever be sad when they've been married to the love of their life... their partner in crime? One simple answer... babies. If there was one thing we are missing, one thing that would make us happier and more of a family it would be children. For a reason unknown to us, we have yet to be blessed with children, with the joys of parenthood.

Here's the shame in it all... I don't like to talk about our not having babies. I feel ashamed that I can't give Rene babies the conventional way... that without the help of modern medicine or a Divine miracle, I will never be able to give Rene beautiful babies. I'm still not to terms with this I guess and I struggle with it every day. Even now as I type I'm crying and wanting to erase everything I just wrote. I cannot believe I'm actually putting my heart out there for everyone to read on the world wide web, but maybe, just maybe these words may help someone else. I've seen some blogs about infertility and the struggles of wanting and not having children and sometimes it helps to read about someone else. To feel like there's someone else out there who gets it... who understands, really understands. Anyways, this was not what I had in mind when I started this post.... all I wanted to do was follow through with what I had started. For some reason I've wanted to share this with you for a reason unknown to me... I have failed countless times but here goes. I may just delete it after an hour, a day or a week... but for now here it is - The Longest post ever!!! :)